I've been thinking a lot lately and came to the conclusion that I want to live more authentically. What I mean by that is following those little impulses that bubble up from the depths of my subconscious. In general, my first reaction is the one that is most "true to myself".
I was telling N the other day about the dinner I'd gone out to with my friends. Looking at the menu, my first instinct was to want to order the tastiest (also, unhealthy and expensive) option I saw. I wanted some sort of ice cream treat and french onion soup. Instead, I ordered onion rings because they were the cheapest appetizer and I (foolishly) thought, somewhat healthy (onions are a vegetable, right?). I flip-flopped back and forth about what I really wanted, creating all sorts of mind stress. When I got the rings, they left a lot to be desired; certainly not the worst fare I'd ever had but not what I really wanted. As I told my story, N looked at me and said, "You always do this. Why not order what you want and be happy?"
And I had a sort of epiphany. It was true, at restaurants and in life, I often let money and practicality dictate my decision. (For example, I'd gone to a local college because it was more cost effective than any of the schools I would have liked to go to. That's an oversimplification, but still an example.) And although I never end up miserable, I don't usually follow that true voice of my first instinct and I end up wondering what it would have been like if I went with my gut.
Now, I'm not advocating for example, spending money I don't have or eating whatever I want (I'd end up broke and fat and really sometimes all I want is an inexpensive salad). What I am advocating is giving that small inner voice more outward expression. This could be a huge revolutionary thing if it ran wild. I might do something crazy like quit grad school and get my pastry arts certificate. But in the spirit of following my bliss, I am going to make an effort to treat life a menu from which I order what I really want.
